Seriously, 2014 is beginning to seem a little like 2013. At this point last year, I had just finished my MPH program and was waiting for God to send me a job. Last summer was a true test where I felt like God was truly stretching me and showing me that he could and would provide.
Ironically, I find myself in that position again. I am currently employed within the field of my dreams, but I learned earlier this year that my job would terminate on July 31st. Initially, I wasn’t worried because I had applied for a fellowship and strongly believed I would get it, but I didn’t. So knowing that I would be laid off my job didn’t really hit until the company told me directly that my position would come to an end last month.
I find myself struggling again with believing without a doubt that God will make away. Today, while I was in the office, one of my work colleagues suggested that I listen to some sermons from the Elevation church. So when I got home, I got myself comfortable on my couch and pulled up the church on my computer. Hilariously, the first sermon that popped up was “That thing”. [click here to listen to the sermon]
Man, that sermon ministered to my spirit. Pastor Furtick preached from Mark 9 and told the story of the man with the son with seizures. He talked about how the man’s son wasn’t delivered until Jesus was able to help the man with the true problem: his unbelief. The man really wanted Jesus to heal his son, but Jesus saw a bigger problem and a bigger thing that needed to be addressed before the man could receive his blessing. So once the man cried out: I do believe, but please help my unbelief, his son was healed.
Wow. I am that man.
I want God to bring me a job and all of the other desires of my heart but there are things within me that he needs to deal with first.
I still struggle with my unbelief and with many other things that are affecting my ability to grow deeper in my relationship with God. Yet, I hadn’t turned these things to God. Honestly, it never crossed my mind to ask God to help me with my unbelief. I mean, I was raised in the church, I was in the choir, I was the youth president when I was younger…etc…. I could go on and on. Why should someone like me who has been a Christian from a young age struggle with this? And then I realized, why not? Why not me? I am not perfect and God is now calling me to take my walk with him deeper and it is time for me to heed his call.
Today, I was particularly anxious and stressed about the job situation that I would find myself in at the end of next month. I started worrying about paying my bills and keeping a roof over my head. Would I end up on the street? It truly felt like deja vu from last year. But this time, I cried out to God and I was like please help my unbelief, I need a sign from you God to know that all things will work out. That I will be ok.
God sent me that sign this afternoon.
Another coworker whom I have never really talked to knocked on my cubicle. She asked me if I was ok and if I wanted to talk. She told me that something told her to speak to me. She told me not to worry and that I needed to stop trying to control things and figure things out. That all will work out as they should.
On my way home today, I thanked God for that reminder. For that “God moment”. For him letting me know that he is here with me. Memories started popping in my mind of times when other God moments occurred throughout my life:
Recently, the song, “Hold on” by James Fortune has been coming on every time I turn on the radio. I noticed that it would come on when I felt particularly down.
When I lived in CT and was new to this church I was attending, I felt isolated and was about to stop going to the church when a woman came up to me and told her that God told her to come up to me. She and her family embraced me and made me feel a part of that church. I didn’t leave it until I graduated from my PhD program.
The time I was going to drop out of my PhD program and my sister circle and sorority sisters staged an intervention and took me out to eat and gave me the motivational talk of my life.
I could go on and on. I am so thankful for these “God moments” and I am having faith that God will help me with my unbelief and strengthen me in my walk with him.
Like last year, I am trusting that God will work this job situation out in my favor and I will end up in a place that will be better than I could ever hope or dream of.
I am saying this because I believe someone else who may be reading this needs to hear my thoughts too. That maybe they are struggling with something that is hindering their walk with God. Or maybe they are facing a trial like I am. Whatever it is, just know that it is ok to be weak. You have to be able to weak in order to be strong.
I write these posts to show that most people including myself, do not have it all together. I may look like I do, but I am a work in progress just like anyone else. But God in his infinite mercy has never left me or forsaken me. Although I feel it some times. I plan to consistently ask God for help with my unbelief until it isn’t a problem anymore. (then it will be time to move onto the long list of other problems…lol). Just know that you aren’t alone.