I have come to realize that I am a fraud. I outwardly embrace change and new seasons of my life, but internally I freak out. But I guess that shouldn’t be a surprise to me—I am a control freak. Not of others mind you–but my own life and the things that affect it. Well, second thought, that could include people as well…lol If you have the pleasure of really knowing me, I am sure you are aware of my anal exactness–I like to know what is going to happen at all times, I like to be exactly on time, and I don’t really care for surprises. I try to be prepared at all times.
However, as I have gotten older I have worked towards loosening this rigidness because the truth is, I really can’t control anyone but myself. And even in most cases, I can’t control everything that happens in my life, so I have slowly started to embrace change. The ironic thing is that I do change and I do go through the motions required of change–I don’t stay stagnant. But, I haven’t learned to flow with the river of my life–I still try to swim upstream.
I feel my slight panic at this new season I am entering in my life. I definitely believe that I am making the right step and following what God would have me do, but I still feel fear. It is always slightly scary to move to a new city/place, meet new people, and have to learn an environment all over. I am not really looking forward to having to search for a church home–shoot, I just got comfortable at my current one. I am feeling a little weird going back to school at 31. The last time I entered a program, I was 22 years old. Regardless, I am going to do it anyway. I am going to push through my fear to take advantage of every opportunity that this new season in my life will bring. I will try to know allow myself to worry about the next steps too much when I haven’t even started these new steps. I will continue to push myself to be the person that God has intended me to be in spite of my fear.
Believe me. I am terrified. I may not look like I am on the outside, but I am. But I am a work in progress–I know one day the fear won’t seem so real or may even disappear. But regardless–I must be like Paul in Philippians 3:12 (NIV) and continue to run the race that is my life:
“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me”.